Is your God looking a little outdated? Are you embarrassed when you’re out in public with him, and run into your friends with their new hip God? I have great news! You don’t have to trade in your old outdated God for a new one, simply give him a little makeover. With a little tweaking you can bring out that vibrant love, and cover up some of those unsightly blemishes of wrath, vengeance, and hate. Before you know it your friends will be jealous of you, and of your new trendy God.
Lets face it, as Christians, your job here on earth is to win souls to Christ, correct? To convince the masses of their need of eternal salvation, which your God so graciously provides. This, in a sense, makes you a salesman. Yes, your product is essentially free, but still it takes some selling to get people onboard with your guaranteed scheme that sounds just a little too good to be true. So as any good salesman does, you need to paint your product in the best possible light. Maybe cover up and hide a few of those dings and scratches.
So, let’s begin shall we? First off, I would definitely highlight the LOVE, this is by far your products best feature. It seems to catch people’s attention the most and is quite pleasing to the observer and potential customer. To do this, start focusing on the more positive and compassionate verses of your owner’s manual, such as this one, ” For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16
I would make this your go to passage. It’s loving, compassionate, and for the most part free of controversy.
Now, about those dings and blemishes…. you may want to remove a couple of pages from the owner’s manual, or else it might make people question the validity of the love verse you just showed them for the umpteenth million time. Maybe just use a little something to cover up those unsightly verses like this one, “for there I hated them: for the wickedness of their doings I will drive them out of mine house, I will love them no more: all their princes are revolters. Ephraim is smitten, their root is dried up, they shall bear no fruit: yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb.” Hosea 9:15-16. Or the ones that show your product ordering the murder of innocents like this one, ““Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt. Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.” I Samuel 15:2-3.
I would also mention that you might want to hide the many contradictions that are scattered throughout the owner’s manual of your product, but I think you’ve already got the point just reading the last couple passages. I mean I get it, your God is a complex guy, he’s not going to be an easy sell, however I do have one final suggestion that just might fix all your problems. Are you interested? Read on then…
All around the world, and especially here in America there is a new phenomenon sweeping the country where you simply build your own religion from scratch. As long as you believe in God, show up for a church service or two, and occasionally share that ‘I Love Jesus’ picture on Facebook you’re in the clear. You can pretty much customize your God to your own needs and desires, and you need absolutely no Biblical evidence to back you up. As long as you believe ‘in your heart’ that it is true, it shall be so. You want a guardian angel who follows you everywhere you go? Done. You want your loved ones who have gone before you to be floating over you seeing every special moment of your life? Done. Would you like your pets to meet you inside the pearly gates? I do believe that can be arranged. Do you want a loving, compassionate, forgiving God who understands your mistakes, and loves you unconditionally for the wonderful person you are on the inside? I don’t see why not. Would you like to maybe forget about that whole hell fire and brimstone thing? Maybe omit the vengeful God that orders not only the merciless killings of the wicked, but also the innocent women and children (even the animals for crying out loud)? Done and done! Congratulations, you have now taken what some people have accused of being a myth, and made it a completely absurd and laughable fairy tale, but hey, your God is now hip, a little more politically correct, and fits in to this modern world quite well.